Welcome to the totally bogus cosmic web store. We have combed the world to find the most unusual and exciting items ever made available for sale to the general public. You won't find these items anywhere else I can guarantee you. It is our mission to make your holiday shopping as stress free as possible. Here at the Totally Bogus Cosmic Web Store we take pride in the quality of the merchandise we offer. Our dedicated staff of giftologists have made an in-depth study into the kinds of gifts people want most. Even those hard to shop for people on your holiday gift list won't be disappointed this year if you do your shopping with us. So then, without further ado, let's get started. Sit back. Relax. Leave all the work to us. What could be easier? Our theme this year is none other than The Twelve Days of Christmas. I love that tune, don't you? First item please.
Oh dear. I wasn't quite expecting that. Excuse me. I must talk to one of the staff. Henry. Henry could you please come out here?
Yes. Yes. Here I am. Is there a problem Olivia?
Well Henry, I don't know. I was about to ask you that. Is there a problem?
Not that I'm aware of.
The monkey is legitimate?
Well of course the monkey is legitimate. She can type 120 words a minute and has a very impressive resume.
Alright then, just checking. Sorry ladies and gentleman. The staff has been known to play a trick on me every now and then. One never can be too sure. Well then, our first item of the evening. A personal secretary. How utterly charming. Tell us about this item will you Henry?
Of course. It would be my pleasure. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a personal secretary. This adorable executive monkey is every woman's dream. No more racing to meet deadlines. Miss monkey is a whiz in your home office. Also doubles as babysitter, chief cook and bottle washer, housekeeper extraordinaire and gardener. Anyone can give her Chanel Number Five. Think outside the box this year. Order miss monkey today and you will never have to think outside the box again. Give the woman in your life a gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving .....
Alright Henry that will be enough.
and giving and giving and giving .....
Henry. That will be quite enough thank you. Let's see that picture of our first item once again, shall we? To refresh our memory. There it is then. You've got all the information you need to order miss monkey. Our operators are waiting to place your orders. Call within the next 24 hours and get that wonderful motivational poster. I'm rather fond of bananas myself.
And now for our second item of the day. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two mis-matched gloves. Can't seem to get that tune out of my head. Does that ever happen to you?
Alright everyone. Take a look at your screen. And there you have it ladies and gentleman. Our second item. Mis-matched gloves. How very interesting. Whatever will they think of next? Tres chic. Tres chic. Barbara. Will you come out here dear and tell our viewers more about these marvelous mis-matched gloves? Barbara. Barbara?
Yes. Here I am. Good morning Olivia. I just love the earrings you're wearing today. Are they Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers? I used to have a pair very similar to those. I don't know what happened to them. I think I left them in my hotel room in Jamaica. Or was it New Orleans? Oh well. One of the two. I still have the matching bracelet but I hardly ever wear it because, well you know, it's just not the same without the earrings. I suppose I could always wear gold earrings with that bracelet.
Nothing over the top. Or pink topaz. Yes. Pink topaz would work don't you think? After all, no sense in letting that gorgeous bracelet lie in my jewelry box just because I no longer have the original matching earrings.
Barbara. I don't mean to interrupt darling, but why don't you tell our viewers about our second item.
If you don't mind.
Oh yes. Sorry.
Not a problem my dear. Go on now. Let's hear all about the gloves shall we?
Alrighty. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two mismatched gloves. Let me begin by telling you that these gloves are all the rage in Paris. New York. London. East Hackensack New Jersey. They are stealing the show on runways in every fashion capital of the world. And, as you know, when it comes to fashion, one day you're in and the next day your out. Don't let this happen to anyone you love. Make sure those people on your gift list are in. Don't let them leave the house this year wearing a matching pair of gloves. Here at the totally bogus cosmic web store we are working diligently in collaboration with the National Organization for the Prevention of Fashion Faux Pas to nip the widespread disgrace of fashion ignorance in the bud. How are we doing this you may ask. We are doing this by offering you this avant guarde collection of high-quality knitted gloves which can be mismatched as you please. And please people, don't try to pull the wool over our eyes by ordering matching singles. We weren't born yesterday you know.
Oh dear. I wasn't quite expecting that. Excuse me. I must talk to one of the staff. Henry. Henry could you please come out here?
Yes. Yes. Here I am. Is there a problem Olivia?
Well Henry, I don't know. I was about to ask you that. Is there a problem?
Not that I'm aware of.
The monkey is legitimate?
Well of course the monkey is legitimate. She can type 120 words a minute and has a very impressive resume.
Alright then, just checking. Sorry ladies and gentleman. The staff has been known to play a trick on me every now and then. One never can be too sure. Well then, our first item of the evening. A personal secretary. How utterly charming. Tell us about this item will you Henry?
Of course. It would be my pleasure. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a personal secretary. This adorable executive monkey is every woman's dream. No more racing to meet deadlines. Miss monkey is a whiz in your home office. Also doubles as babysitter, chief cook and bottle washer, housekeeper extraordinaire and gardener. Anyone can give her Chanel Number Five. Think outside the box this year. Order miss monkey today and you will never have to think outside the box again. Give the woman in your life a gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving .....
Alright Henry that will be enough.
and giving and giving and giving .....
Henry. That will be quite enough thank you. Let's see that picture of our first item once again, shall we? To refresh our memory. There it is then. You've got all the information you need to order miss monkey. Our operators are waiting to place your orders. Call within the next 24 hours and get that wonderful motivational poster. I'm rather fond of bananas myself.
And now for our second item of the day. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two mis-matched gloves. Can't seem to get that tune out of my head. Does that ever happen to you?
Alright everyone. Take a look at your screen. And there you have it ladies and gentleman. Our second item. Mis-matched gloves. How very interesting. Whatever will they think of next? Tres chic. Tres chic. Barbara. Will you come out here dear and tell our viewers more about these marvelous mis-matched gloves? Barbara. Barbara?
Yes. Here I am. Good morning Olivia. I just love the earrings you're wearing today. Are they Joan Rivers or Suzanne Somers? I used to have a pair very similar to those. I don't know what happened to them. I think I left them in my hotel room in Jamaica. Or was it New Orleans? Oh well. One of the two. I still have the matching bracelet but I hardly ever wear it because, well you know, it's just not the same without the earrings. I suppose I could always wear gold earrings with that bracelet.
Nothing over the top. Or pink topaz. Yes. Pink topaz would work don't you think? After all, no sense in letting that gorgeous bracelet lie in my jewelry box just because I no longer have the original matching earrings.
Barbara. I don't mean to interrupt darling, but why don't you tell our viewers about our second item.
If you don't mind.
Oh yes. Sorry.
Not a problem my dear. Go on now. Let's hear all about the gloves shall we?
Alrighty. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two mismatched gloves. Let me begin by telling you that these gloves are all the rage in Paris. New York. London. East Hackensack New Jersey. They are stealing the show on runways in every fashion capital of the world. And, as you know, when it comes to fashion, one day you're in and the next day your out. Don't let this happen to anyone you love. Make sure those people on your gift list are in. Don't let them leave the house this year wearing a matching pair of gloves. Here at the totally bogus cosmic web store we are working diligently in collaboration with the National Organization for the Prevention of Fashion Faux Pas to nip the widespread disgrace of fashion ignorance in the bud. How are we doing this you may ask. We are doing this by offering you this avant guarde collection of high-quality knitted gloves which can be mismatched as you please. And please people, don't try to pull the wool over our eyes by ordering matching singles. We weren't born yesterday you know.
Thank you Barbara. Hackensack New Jersey you say? What a small world. I have a very dear cousin living in Hackensack. Did you know that Hackensack is only 12 miles from Manhattan? No wonder they are so fashion-conscious. Yes indeed. Only 12 miles from Manhattan. In fact, you can see the New York City skyline from my cousins kitchen window. Lovely view. Lovely view. Now,
let's get on with our business ladies and gentlemen. Take another look at item number two and call our operators to order these wonderful mismatched gloves. And don't forget to have your credit card ready
Well by golly those telephones sure are busy. Remember, our supplies are limited. Call now to make sure your items arrive in time for the holidays. And now, we must take a short commercial break. Don't go away. We will be right back with our third item. On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me ..... I wonder. What could it be?
let's get on with our business ladies and gentlemen. Take another look at item number two and call our operators to order these wonderful mismatched gloves. And don't forget to have your credit card ready
Well by golly those telephones sure are busy. Remember, our supplies are limited. Call now to make sure your items arrive in time for the holidays. And now, we must take a short commercial break. Don't go away. We will be right back with our third item. On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me ..... I wonder. What could it be?
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