The Dwarfs' Marching Song

Self Portrait by Leo

Heigh ho, heigh ho
It's off to work we go
Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho
Heigh ho, heigh ho
It's off to work we go
Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho

 Die Konkurrenten Fröhlicher Landmann Zugabe 

Curriculum vitae / Cursus vitae meae The first job I ever had was dusting knick-knacks for my mother’s best friend who lived across the street from us on Andrews Avenue. Her name was Helen and she had a raised mole above her lip which I asked her about. I was seven years old. Helen also had a deformed right index finger which I also asked her about. It got run over by a sewing machine needle is what she told me. She had short curly hair because her daughter Gladys gave her a Toni home perm every six months. She was plump and always wore dresses, most of which had interesting and beautiful patterns. I hated it when she wore a plain dress of one color and no pattern. From where my mother and Helen sat in Helen’s kitchen they could see many of the neighbors’ houses. Mrs. Swantek, the Browns (my grandparents), the Conlins, the Winnickis, the Dinseys, and the Smiths lived in the row on the other side of the sidewalk, directly across from Helen’s kitchen windows. My mother and Helen talked about all of them, sometimes they whispered, and that is why they liked me to stay in the living room and do my work. Helen said “little pitchers have big ears” and, even though I was only eight years old, I knew what that meant. "Mrs. Swantek’s son is going to marry the Winnickis' daughter and move to Canada and Mrs. Swantek will be all alone. He is a Mama’s boy, you know." "Grandpa Brown doesn't like my mother visiting Helen because my mother and Helen drink beer.  He's Baptist and drinking alcohol is against his religion."  "The Conlins are dirty Southerners with too many kids and Mrs.Conlin is low class for sitting on her front steps nursing her baby." " The Winnickis are dumb polacks and their house always smells like cabbage." " Mrs. Dinsey is not the real mother of Melvin like everybody thinks; Melvin’s real mother is Mrs. Dinsey’s daughter, Rita." Donald “Ducky” Smith is a tap-dancer and probably a homosexual.” While Helen and my mother sat in the kitchen chatting, I did my dusting in the living room. It was fascinating work because I got to pick up and examine each porcelain figurine in her vast collection. It was a great responsibility as well, because Helen cherished all of her figurines and I had to be extremely careful not to break one. I also had to put each one back in the exact same spot it came from. That was no problem though, because I had it all memorized. I knew where each one belonged better than Helen did. She said she had confidence in me and that I always did a fine job. She paid me one dollar. That was enough to go to the movies on Saturday afternoon, buy popcorn, Jujyfruits or Red Hot Dollars to eat while I watched the movie, and still have enough money left to buy an Orange Creamcicle from the Jack & Jill man, or a comic book.  My stint as a knick-knack duster came to an abrupt halt when Helen had a stroke in my father's recliner and died. My mother was very sad to lose her best friend. Since I no longer had an income I decided to start sweeping porches. Not much to tell about that job, really. I went from door to door with a broom and a dust pan offering to sweep people's porches for 75 cents a shot. It was a lot easier than dusting those damned knick- knacks for Helen and I could be out in the fresh air. Some of my clients were very appreciative of my services and gave me a full dollar. The really nice ones also gave me refreshments like lemonade and peanut butter crackers. Aunt Hattie (not really my aunt, everybody just called her Aunt Hattie - why I do not know) was a real good customer who gave me a dollar. She was an invalid (oh how I hate that word) and spent most of her time in a hospital bed in her living room. She always gave me grapes or Bing cherries when they were in season. She was also my only regular customer. I never had to knock up and ask if she wanted her porch swept, I just showed up every Saturday at 10 am. If the weather was warn she would have the front door open and watch me through the screen door from her bed or sometimes her wheel chair. When I was done she would say something like, “Well, come on in, watcha waitin’ for. I got some nice green grapes for yuh and an apricot too.” Aunt Hattie was a very nice old lady but I didn't like to look at her for very long because she had a lot of white hairs coming out of her chin.