Emperor of Chickens by Jamie Wyeth
THE VOICE
Yeah, what is it this time I asked, mindlessly dropping No. 8 spaghetti into a pot of rapidly boiling water just like it said on the box. DON’T BE SO COCKY. Okay. I’m sorry. What have you come to tell me? YOUR MOTHER IS SICK. Who doesn’t know that? THERE’S MORE. Shoot. INSIDE YOUR MOTHER THERE ARE TWENTY DIAMONDS. Right. AND INSIDE YOUR MOTHER THERE IS A SMALL BOY. Really? THE BOY IS CHAINED TO HER RIBCAGE. Of course! HE HAS A LITTLE FARM RIGHT NEXT TO HER APPENDIX. I should have known. AND ON THE FARM THE BOY RAISES RHODE ISLAND REDS. For egg money, I suppose. ARROGANCE IS NOT A VIRTUE. Okay. So what does he do with the eggs? SOME HE SWALLOWS, SHELLS AND ALL. Hmmm. And what about the others? THAT IS WHAT I’VE COME ABOUT. And? FORGET THE SPAGHETTI AND PAY ATTENTION. I’m all yours. THE OTHERS ARE ROTTING. SMELLING UP THE FARM. THE BOY CAN’T BREATHE. What am I supposed to do? TELL YOUR MOTHER TO UNCHAIN THE BOY. Oh sure. I can picture her reaction.
TELL YOUR MOTHER TO UNCHAIN THE BOY AND TAKE A PHYSIC. Egad! This is hilarious! THE BOY DOESN’T WANT TO BE A FARMER ANYMORE. Oh no? What does the boy want? THE BOY WANTS TO PLAY THE CELLO AND MOVE TO A LOFT N THE CITY. Swell. And what’s in it for me? ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, AREN’T YOU? Look, I’ve got to have supper on the table in twenty minutes. Tell me what’s in it for me or get lost. I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF. Yeah, well, I’m a little dumb, remember? HAVE YOU GOT A BEDPAN? So what if I do? AFTER YOUR MOTHER TAKES THE PHYSIC, TELL HER TO SIT ON THE BEDPAN. And? THE DIAMONDS ARE YOURS. Who wants diamonds? I’ll take the Rhode Island Reds. AH HONEY, I WAS HOPING YOU’D SEE THE LIGHT. WHO NEEDS TWENTY BEST FRIENDS WHEN YOU CAN SETTLE DOWN ON A NICE LITTLE FARM RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR MOTHER’S APPENDIX? RIGHT? I couldn’t have stated it better.
TOMORROW I’M GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE COFFEE PLANTATION WAY DOWN SOUTH IN YOUR FATHER’S LEFT TESTICLE. I can hardly wait.
Leocadia / ctc
Yeah, what is it this time I asked, mindlessly dropping No. 8 spaghetti into a pot of rapidly boiling water just like it said on the box. DON’T BE SO COCKY. Okay. I’m sorry. What have you come to tell me? YOUR MOTHER IS SICK. Who doesn’t know that? THERE’S MORE. Shoot. INSIDE YOUR MOTHER THERE ARE TWENTY DIAMONDS. Right. AND INSIDE YOUR MOTHER THERE IS A SMALL BOY. Really? THE BOY IS CHAINED TO HER RIBCAGE. Of course! HE HAS A LITTLE FARM RIGHT NEXT TO HER APPENDIX. I should have known. AND ON THE FARM THE BOY RAISES RHODE ISLAND REDS. For egg money, I suppose. ARROGANCE IS NOT A VIRTUE. Okay. So what does he do with the eggs? SOME HE SWALLOWS, SHELLS AND ALL. Hmmm. And what about the others? THAT IS WHAT I’VE COME ABOUT. And? FORGET THE SPAGHETTI AND PAY ATTENTION. I’m all yours. THE OTHERS ARE ROTTING. SMELLING UP THE FARM. THE BOY CAN’T BREATHE. What am I supposed to do? TELL YOUR MOTHER TO UNCHAIN THE BOY. Oh sure. I can picture her reaction.
TELL YOUR MOTHER TO UNCHAIN THE BOY AND TAKE A PHYSIC. Egad! This is hilarious! THE BOY DOESN’T WANT TO BE A FARMER ANYMORE. Oh no? What does the boy want? THE BOY WANTS TO PLAY THE CELLO AND MOVE TO A LOFT N THE CITY. Swell. And what’s in it for me? ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, AREN’T YOU? Look, I’ve got to have supper on the table in twenty minutes. Tell me what’s in it for me or get lost. I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF. Yeah, well, I’m a little dumb, remember? HAVE YOU GOT A BEDPAN? So what if I do? AFTER YOUR MOTHER TAKES THE PHYSIC, TELL HER TO SIT ON THE BEDPAN. And? THE DIAMONDS ARE YOURS. Who wants diamonds? I’ll take the Rhode Island Reds. AH HONEY, I WAS HOPING YOU’D SEE THE LIGHT. WHO NEEDS TWENTY BEST FRIENDS WHEN YOU CAN SETTLE DOWN ON A NICE LITTLE FARM RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR MOTHER’S APPENDIX? RIGHT? I couldn’t have stated it better.
TOMORROW I’M GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE COFFEE PLANTATION WAY DOWN SOUTH IN YOUR FATHER’S LEFT TESTICLE. I can hardly wait.
Leocadia / ctc
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