The Big Bang
It has been said that Necessity is the mother of Invention. A self referential statement if ever there was one. Invention and Creation are one and the same. We needed a Mother, so we created a Mother. We could have used nuts and bolts, but we wanted her to be soft and warm, so we chose flesh and blood instead. But wait a minute. Who was the Mother of Necessity? Did Need arise from nowhere? Out of nowhere arose Need begging for a Mother? Necessity needed a mother in order to be a Mother, so there was no real Necessity before Necessity’s Mother gave birth to Necessity. Now, did Necessity’s Mother also need a Mother? I should say so. This means that Necessity’s Mother was unrealized until Necessity’s grandmother opened her thighs and shot her out. “I shall name you Needless, because you are without need, but some day you will be with need, and nine months later you shall give birth to need and she will be called Necessity.” Later, when Necessity went to her grandmother to ask about her roots, she was told this story:
Before I came to be, Nobody needed Nothing and vice versa. Everybody was without Everything and Everything was within Everybody. I guess you had to be there to appreciate it. Well, one day Nobody’s need for Nothing and Nothing’s need for Nobody got so intense they could no longer control their desire to become One. Everybody without Everything and Everything within Everybody witnessed Nobody and Nothing getting it on. It was absolutely shocking, according to the Gospel of Invention and Necessity. Prior to that, there was no such thing as Sound, Sound being the product of the Cosmic Orgasm also known as the Big Bang. Mum was the word of the day, so to speak, before the coming together of Nobody and Nothing. I put an end to all that silence, or should I say, I gave Sound it’s beginning. I was born immediately upon collision, in Nothing flat, which is something like a B flat, magnified acoustically to the highest possible degree, also known as the Nth degree. I was like this big humongous WOW when I came out and I came on coming and coming and coming for innumerable centuries without the slightest cessation or break in the strength and frequency of my waves. I know, it’s hard to believe. But one day, something called Science will prove it, you’ll see. Any prophet worth her salt will tell you that. The Cosmic Orgasm of my parents lasted a little longer than my big WOW and was followed by a cool down period long enough for them to smoke a couple hundred megatons of cigarettes, more or less.
Finally, after eating billions upon billions of those little containers full of various types of Chinese food, my parents, Nothing and Nobody, killed each other goodnight and passed away peacefully and quite satisfied in their sleep. I was left an orphan with no siblings. A Sound without a Purpose. I missed Nothing and Nobody. If felt like I was coming from Nowhere with Everywhere to go. Like there would never be enough of me to go around. Girl, was I wrong. Just as I was about to turn myself off, I found my Purpose. Quite by accident. I was on the brink of self-inflicted eternal silence when out of Everywhere I recognized a sound unlike myself. A kind of bleating. Sweet, enthralling. I suppose, for lack of a better name, I would have to call it Divine. “Ma Ma,” it went, ever so softly, again and again. Soon it evolved to “Mommy” and then to the more stately and gracious “Mother”. It affected me so deeply I decided to hang around.